Draw what conclusions you may. It may be worth noting that upon graduation from University I became employed writing white papers as a policy wonk, and since then my employablity seems to have fallen steadily year by year even as I have more and more to say.
They ought to call what I've got Hazlett's disease. He was a prolific British writer who had the misfortune to live during the industrial revolution when, as now, truth was a commodity in scarce supply, and when it did appear was hammered over the head until it was good and dead, there in the street..
Ergo
The following was written in
the winter of 2009. I'm sending it along because the passing years, as they
often do, have added a sheen, (technically the word is a "glamour" although nowadays it is
rarely used as a noun.)
This veneer accrues from the fact that rarely have letter writer
and recipient hated each other more then I and my putative recipient.Actually I can't speak for the other guy, but I'm will to testify I have more then enough hatred for two.
We are like two men vying for
the same woman, caring not as to the actual merits of the lovers but rather
only that they be the one to win, to conquer and ultimately. to survive.
It was nothing personal, just
business, we had ended up on two sides of the great divide; I, an honest but
poor victim of the treacherous banking system and he, a scum sucking lackey of
the disgustingly wealthy
What had happened is I had been
caught in the logjam of the great credit crunch of 2008. After thirty years of paying my bills, I had
had a large amount of credit which, month by month was reduced to nothing -
through no fault of my own!
So, by this time I was staying
in a hotel in West Hampton on a weekly basis
and trying to think of someway out of the dillemma. There is a small, local
Paper which caters mostly to the summer community and has been around for ages.
It’s called “Dan's Paper”. It survives by a large amount of advertising for the
upper class and provides a forum for "Dan" and some socially active
ladies and gentlemen to express themselves. Apparently there’s a Dan junior
waiting in the wings as well. You know
these WASP’s – they breed like rats.
I swallowed my pride and would have been
grateful for being paid enough to buy a decent meal. Realistically it would
have meant exposure, but no dice.
Instead what I got was no reply.
This is also sometimes a form of compliment. It means that the recipient
is going to steal the ideas and doesn't want to acknowledge he's even heard of
them. I am more familiar with the
technique then I care to be.
And so, that's what happened. Dan
digressed from his ordinary drivel and
suddenly was writing about Fairy tale characters. This was the sort of thing I expected from
the New Yorker, that bastion of privileged, emotionally dead bastards, but from
a two bit vacation handout with pretensions of glory?
Oi Yeh, what was the world coming to?
And suffieth to say I imagine the other
party in this contretemps did not think twice. He, or she, went about their way
thinking all was fine in the world.
Unfortunately for my part age has *not*
mellowed me. If anything, quite the contrary it has enforced the belief that if
you do not nail the bastards to the
cross they will continue their wicked and heartless ways until that time as the almighty God calls them home to be judged
before the heavenly throne.
Besides which it was Sam Clemens, no stranger
to differences of opinion himself, who suggested that at such times it was best
not to sit and stew in one's own juices, but rather to get a little of one's
self respect back. This I attempted to do.
I’ve seen what happens to the meek.
I’d rather go down with my boots on.
Once you lose respect for a man it’s a lot
easier to shoot him.
The following then is in two
sections. The first is a response to a letter that was never sent - the letter
being that staple of the beginning writers life
- the rejection slip. This, for
the over educated among us, is what is known as Sarcasm.
In other words I am being sarcastic.
I don't actually mean to humble myself
before the idiot judgement of "Mr Dan" - quite the contrary. I
am making fun both of his (or her) stupidity
and even more so I am expressing disgust that for a person who's average reader has a
million dollar plus home MR Dan can't spare a few dollars and a word of
encouragement. This surely is the greater and unforgivable crime.
Fortunately I can forgive. I don't
linger on perceived slights but must get on with my life, after removing a few
vital organs which they plainly do not need.
Then, after sarcastically thanking
the miserly editor I offer him a gift in
appreciation. I give him a generic article, a template. This can be used year
after year, modified only by changing the names. All one has to do is send out a cub, who
will ask a few questions and you're right as rain. No fuss - no muss.
Since this is the Hamptons
however, and not Beverly Hills,
I also include a speech by an up and coming right winger. He defends freedom and low taxes and the
usual stuff. What is more he's a new breed, people friendly compassionate
conservative. He's black. He's a Moslem. He's married to a Jew. He worked his
way through law school. He's overcome several diseases by prayer and
dedication. He came to the light late in life.
He used to be a dope dealer, murderer,
gang boss and thief, but now, after being taken under the wing of a kindly
elderly wealthy man he's found his true calling. He's a Republican.
Don't you wish you were him? I
know I do.
===============================
Letter
in Response to Rejection
===============================
Dear
(Insert)
Thank you very much for your letter
stating the reasons why you felt my recent submission to your firm was
inappropriate. I understand completely.
I would certainly never wish to do anything that would jeopardize your
survival or the survival of the firms you depend upon for advertising. That in todays hypercompetative and always
innovative business environment it would be considered self evident that banks
would retaliate against those they feel act
contrary to their interests should have occurred, at the very least, to me of all people, who
has felt their wrath in it's merciless full fury.
Even now, as the tears well up in my
eyes, I cannot thank you enough for
sparing me the shame and humiliation of seeing my dark words and thoughts,
borne of despair and desperation which, should they have been made pubic, would
have caused me the deepest regret for the rest of my life. For now, time, which
heals all wounds, has opened my eyes to my near fall from grace, that you, in
your wisdom, have prevented.
I am also grateful for your kind words
of encouragement. "Can't use
it, but keep at it. Rome wasn't built in a day and nothing beats
a try but a fail, so if you persevere something good is bound to
happen." (Added later : Note the
sparking originality of thought and phrase)
That said I am taking the liberty of
sending along a short piece that I have used successfully on many occasions.
The core of the article was part of the curriculum of the Greater Daytona
Correspondence School for profitable book writers, although no more then fifty
percent, so I believe I can call it,
basically original.
Please accept it as a gift. It can be used year after year (but not *too*
often) and will bring you praise both as a public benefactor and as a wise
publisher who understands that there is nothing a reader likes so much as to
see their names in print.
Generic Small Town Newspaper Article
"How much is a Smile worth?"
The ladies of (insert locale here) have got to be among the
most caring on earth. Proof positive of this was shown at the recent charity fashion show for (the mentally retarded, victims of
earthquake/flood, etc.) Ms. (insert
name here) and her gang of recruits including (insert names here) went all out
recently in working almost non stop for months on the recent fashion show at
the luxurious home of (insert name.)
It was a smashing success and
raised well over a thousand dollars for the victims of (insert cause here.) In
addition many of the local shops chipped in with very generous donations of
goods . (Insert name here) said she got
the idea when a certain local shop donated over a thousand pairs of ladies high heels to the earthquake victims
of Haiti.
The catering was exquisite, as it
had to be having been donated by (insert name here). There were frappes,
canapé's and crepes of all assortments
provided by (insert name here)
who let it be known that his portable
"Crepe-mobile" is
available for all events, even small parties from May first to Labor day.
There's nothing like a strawberry
crepe, with lo-cal dairy whip, and a few Mimosa's to wash it down to provide a
fun, delicious, and healthful afternoon meal.
The tent was hardly needed, nor were
the chairs since it was a beautiful day
and nearly everyone was standing.
Entertainment was by the Sal LaScala
Combo, who thrilled our ears by playing
a mixture of standards, disco and even the occasional cha cha. Ole!
The high point of the after noon
was when little Bobby appeared. Dressed casually, but neatly in new blue jeans,
sneakers and a tee shirt donated by (insert name here) Bobby provided a great example of how lives
can be turned around if we only care enough to help.
From his rough origins on the streets
of San Paolo in Brazil
life's opportunities looked dim at the outset. He was working for the local
drug gangs before he was ten years old. Convicted of multiple murders at twelve he met a priest who changed his life.
Now he's been accepted with a full
scholarship to the prestigious Choate Academy and states his ambition is to be a US senator from the state of Rhode Island - on the republican ticket.
He gave a moving speech on the
privatization of social security, the need for a flat tax system and what the
constitution means to him, all of which were well received. Later on his agent told me he also does, for
selected audiences, a moving rendition of scenes from "Oliver Twist" by the celebrated
english author, Charles Dickens. He is available for appearances until October,
when he will be leaving for a european tour.
At five o'clock Ms (insert name here)
took the stage again to thank everyone for coming and to remind all attendees
that purchases of clothing at the event were tax deductible so she hoped
everyone would be generous. She also
thanked all the ladies and local businesses that did so much to make the affair
such a success
and
reminded us all that a gift to the needy was as much a gift to ourselves as
anyone else because it was a gift of love.
But it was little Bobby who said it
best with a poem he had written for the
occasion.
"Before you you see someone who
is poor
Not a wealthy person or
an entrepreneur
Still I have all the
riches on Earth
For how much is a smile
worth?"
Your dedicated correspondent
(insert name here)
No comments:
Post a Comment