Me and the Devil

oct 2012

                       I lived in Europe for much of the first decade of this century. I left during the crash of 2000 and returned during the crash of 2008, for what it’s worth.

                          Living in Europe meant mostly living in the UK, in Oxford although were I to do it again I think I’d probably stay in the south of France, the food is  better. Oxford’s an old city of course, a thousand years plus, and at present it benefits nicely from the presence of the children of the global elite who suffice to say don’t mind paying large sums of money for tuition and board. This helps the native students but doesn’t always translate to very impressive salaries for the staff. ( Just in case you were wondering.)

                     The Mormons, like many a denomination have missionaries but they sometimes go about it a little different from the rest of the flocks. Baptists and such go to the humblest hovels of south America or Africa, Mormons tend to be a bit more upscale, shall we say?

                                  In some parts of the world, especially the UK and Australia, the custom is for university students to take a year off in travel and this is called the gap year. Americans don’t do this because by and large Americans don’t believe in education. Their students rank something like eighteenth on a global scale and the pressure is constant to spend less on education because the stupider the population the easier it will be to continue to force them to submit to the master class.

                                 It makes good sense. Consider that there is a direct connection between level of education and willingness to  vote  liberal. In this case what conservative in their right mind would want to harm their own interests by  increasing the educational level of the public. As long as they can tie their shoelaces and find rush Limbaugh on the dial they are smart enough and need know nothing else.

                                The Mormons also have a time period where their young can escape the confines of Utah and see the world. In Romney’s case he spend his missionary days in Paris. France being the the most atheistic nation on earth I doubt he succeeded a great deal but he probably learned a few of the local customs which I will not reveal since ……

                    So, I’m walking down Cornmarket street and a chap accosts me. He’s wearing a suit and tie of the American style. British style is either very casual or very sophisticated and also they are fond of dark blue or dark purple shirts with suits, neither of which will Americans wear.

                  It turns out this fellow is a Mormon missionary, right there in Oxford, among the Arab sponsored business schools and the Japanese princelings with blue hair, and he’s going to sell me on becoming a Mormon. Not having spoken with anyone from the old country in a few years I strung him along, although the odds of me converting to Mormonism are about as great as me waking up tomorrow and discovering I was a Cockroach.

                          Suffice to say there are two kinds of travelers, those that get along with different type people, and those that wind up in bad places. I try to be the former. Plus I am by no means a rabid atheist. Religions been around for millions of years so it has to serve some purpose. Then again poisons been around for thousands of years so it must serve a purpose as well.

                            So we walk on. He greets a few other missionaries. What I have previously noticed about the Mormon Missionary squad is there were no women. Apparently they stayed home and baked cakes while the boys sewed a few wild oats. Plus there’s a slight problem with polygamy.   It should be pretty onvious. What to do with the extra men?  When the children grow up to be about eighteen there’s rumors the boys are loaded into pickup trucks and driven off never to be seen again.

                        In any event, coming from Long Island, I've seen some of the uglier aspects of the matrimonial stakes so I won’t talk about other people’s foibles.

                   And as so often is the case I refrained from speaking the words that came to mind, namely, “Where the bitches at, baby? Let’s get some juice and party down.”

                          Nevertheless, as with all good things our conversation was drawing to a close with me no closer to seeing the light then I had been. Half the sex in the world comes from a bottle and a saturday night and the other half comes from guys pretending to believe in things they could care less about. The women know this and I’ll let you in on a secret - they don’t mind, because they like getting laid no matter what kind of silliness precedes it.

                 Now the fellow decides he’s going to pull out the big guns, he’s gonna make me a deal with God that I can’t refuse.

                        “And you know when the day of resurrection comes, the dead shall all rise from their graves.”

                     “Go on,” I thought, “This is interesting, if in the case of those cremated a little difficult to comprehend.”

                  “And we will all walk upon the earth and there will be no more disease, no more physical deformities of any kind.”

                 “Jesus Christ,” I thought, “That’s all we need - to wake up one day and the world has turned into a giant sit –com.”

And then the devil, who is my close friend, appeared beside me and whispered in my ear, ”Listen to what he’s really saying”

                         I looked at the fellow and noticed he was staring at my upper lip. I have a harelip. It was a consequence of my Mother’s taking a bad medicine called DES before I was born. I don’t like it, but I live it and it has proven an entrée to the company of almighty Satan, ruler of the earth, and Prince of all living things.

                            The guy apparently did not see my moment of awareness because he repeated, in case I didn’t get the point the first time.

                      “Do you hear what I’m sayin? It means all our imperfections and.. deformities will be gone and we will be reborn as perfect beings.”

                                 Yeah, I heard what he was saying. He was telling the nigger if he joined the Republicans he’d be just as good as the white people. Maybe when I was four years old I would have bought that deal. Nowadays though I don’t wanna be as good as the white people. I wanna be better!

                   What so good about them, huh? I ask you. What’s so good about perfection?

                   Screw perfection.

     Ps  I got a better idea. Instead of me serving your master now and being rewarded on Judgement day how about you give me my reward now and I'll  pay you back on Judgement day when the dead rise from their graves?

Tamlin